Stop: Do Not Write that Guide To Pairing Wine with Halloween Candy

Your annual guide to a very bad idea

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

If you are a writer, columnist, blogger, or any other person associated with the wine industry and you are in the process of or planning to create a “Guide to Pairing Halloween Candy with Wine” please stop immediately.

There is no need nor a call for such a guide. Nobody is struggling over how to pair wine with tiny Reeses, let alone Candy Corn. Nobody is contemplating which wine to pair with the Junior Mints or Krackle Minis they have snatched from their child’s Halloween haul. No wine is capable of improving the taste of Sour Patch Kids.

Moreover, a simple Google Search will demonstrate that enough people and publications have already made the mistake of writing this story such that no other similar project is necessary.

“…if you want to savor your Halloween haul in style, it’s helpful to keep certain tips in mind when pairing wine with Snickers, M&M’s, and other candy.”
THERE IS NOTHING STYLISH ABOUT SAVORING SNICKERS

“We went through some of our favorite Halloween candy selections and compiled a list of the most deliciously spooktacular wine pairings.”
NO ONE IS SEEKING ANYTHING “SPOOKTACULAR”

“One of my personal favorites is pairing my Halloween treats with a big glass of vino.”
THE WRITER OF THIS IS LYING TO YOU.

“These [wine and candy] pairings are great for a night-in by the fire, to enjoy with friends, or to share at your spooky Halloween party.”
NO ONE SITS BY THE FIRE AND EXPERIMENTS WITH CANDY AND WINE PAIRINGS

“The perfect pairings are the ones your mouth savors so, what I like may not mesh with your preference. Regardless, there are a few things to consider when thinking through your Halloween candy wine pairings.”
NO ONE IS THINKING THROUGH HALLOWEEN CANDY AND WINE PAIRINGS

Equally important to understand is how a reader is likely to respond to the spectacle of a writer seriously considering the match of Sweet Tarts with Sparkling Wine. The likely responses are: 1) “Why would I waste a sparkler on Sweet Tarts?” 2) “We need more experienced editors in our world, or 3) “Really??” None of these responses is what any writer is looking for from their readers. They can be avoided by not trying to convince the wine-loving reader they need a guide to tell them which wine is best to pair with Twizzlers.

It is also important to recognize that these articles should not and cannot be part of a strategy to attract more young people to wine. Young adults are not idiots. This is a principle that should guide all wine writing. Advising that Merlot is the best wine to pair with Hershey’s Dark Chocolate Minis will not convince an RTD-drinking 20something that they should switch to wine. It will only convince them that the folks thinking about wine are not really thinking.

None of this is to say that wine writers and industry pros should not be writing about wine in the context of Halloween. There are, in fact, several important wine-related Halloween stories a thoughtful writer can and should explore:

THE PROPER “TRAVELER” VESSELS TO CARRY WINE IN WHEN CHAPERONING YOUR KIDS AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD

DON’T FORGET A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE PARENTS AT THE DOOR WITH THE TRICK-OR-TREATERS: A GUIDE FOR SLIPPING WINE TO THE PARENTS ON HALLOWEEN

YOUR GUIDE TO INCORPORATING EMPTY WINE BOTTLES AND CORKSCREWS AS HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

A STUDY OF THE SYMBOLISM OF WINE AS BLOOD: HALLOWEEN EDITION

Finally, for wineries…Please, Please, Please…do not attempt to sell more wine by enticing your customer to pair your wines with Snickers, Butterfingers, or Skittles. The wine will taste terrible and the candy will be ruined. More importantly, your customers will no longer take you seriously when you introduce them to the idea of pairing Gewurztraminer, Zinfandel, or Pinot Noir with dry turkey on Thanksgiving. And as we know, this latter sales tactic is critical to Q4 sales.

To reiterate…NO to Halloween candy and wine pairing guides. NO to suggesting drinking Syrah with Peppermint York Patties. Avoid pushing Milk Duds and Merlot on Your customers. Nothing good will come of any of these things.