New Warning Labels for Alcohol

Report that DOGE and RFK Jr. have new warning labels in mind

Warning: New Alcohol Warning Labels Leaked

Can American handle brutal honesty in drinking guidance?

Amid the chaos of the Trump Administration’s first 100 days, revelations continue to surface. Wine and spirits professionals are particularly on edge, thanks to the ongoing threat of exorbitant tariffs.

Sadly, there’s more to worry about than tariffs. New alcohol warning labels are apparently next.

Reluctantly, I am compelled to share an email received last night from Fermentation’s once-a-year East Coast correspondent, William “Tish” Tisherman:

Tom — You’re not going to believe this, but somehow I got invited to a group chat on Facebook Messenger (yes, not everyone use Signal) that included several DOGE staffers, including Elon Musk), Mark Zuckerberg himself, and Secratary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. I’ll spare you the locker room banter and emojis. Bottom line: starting tomorrow, April 2, the Department of Government Efficiency is taking over the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

Their first official act is going to be to completely re-do the warning labels that appear on all alcoholic beverages sold in America. Get this: there are going to be different warning statements for wine, beer and spirits — and they were written by the 19-year-old DOGE staffer known as “Big Balls”.

Think that’s bad? During the chat, Mr. Balls admitted that he re-wrote the alcohol warnings after consuming hallucinogenic mushrooms. LOL, right?! Basically, Big Balls was “tripping balls” when he took a scalpel to the current warning statement (in place since 1989).

I am sharing the proposed new warnings now, in the spirit of industry solidarity. Your readers deserve advance notice… — Tish

Lest we forget, the present required 43-word statement, in place since 1989:

GOVERNMENT WARNING: (1) According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. (2) Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

The proposed new statements, as crafted by Big Balls and shared by Tish….

FOR BEER:
DUDE: (1) This beer’s probably gonna make you sing and laugh. Maybe even dance on a table. Enjoy it, ‘cause pretty soon you’ll feel bloated and belchy and may act like a complete bumblefuck. (2) Now go pee. And wash your hands.

For SPIRITS
YO, EINSTEIN, LISTEN HERE: (1) Cocktails or highballs, neat or on rocks… shaken or stirred, sipped or shot, this hard alcohol shit can f*ck you up. (2) So pace yourself, hydrate, and say out loud: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

There is even a new one just for WHITE CLAW
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, AND THAT MEANS EVERYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU: (1) Malt liquor is some nasty ass shit. You should know better. It tastes like chemicals and desperation. (2) Grow up, get off your ass, have some wine, beer, or booze.

And finally, the group provided two warning labels for WINE

ROBERT MONDAVI WAS 100% RIGHT: (1) Wine has been with us since the beginning of civilization. It is a temperate, civilized, romantic mealtime beverage. Wine in moderation is an integral part of our family’s culture, heritage, and the gracious way of life. (2) Santé!

OLDER RICH WHITE GUYS AND DIVORCED WOMEN: (1) You’re old! Always keep one hand on the walker while drinking wine, and check if those pills for after your hip surgery pair well with this stuff. (2) Put down the fucking Prosecco, Mom, it’s just diabetes-in-a-glass.

Normally, the TTB will provide for a “comment period” during which the industry and others can weigh in on proposals such as new warning labels. My outreach to various wine industry representatives, asking how they will comment on the proposed wine warning label, has resulted in a consistent response: “It could be worse. We were expecting something along the lines of—’Wine, Cancer, Bad’—We can live with these proposals.