Without the Alcohol It's Just Not Wine So Let's Not Pretend

Reflections on the why it's important we understand the essence of things

Alcohol is the noodles, not the Bechamel.

Let me explain.

Recently I’ve been playing with lasagna recipes and learning the history of the iconic dish. One thing is clear: there is genuine and intense debate over whether authentic lasagna only made with a bechamel sauce or can be made with ricotta cheese. Reading about this little dispute I reached out to a friend who is a very good cook; a professional, in fact. I asked her to weigh in on the controversy. Let me quote her precisely:

When made with ricotta instead of bechamel, the “lasagna” will taste delicious, but it’s not “lasagna” you are eating without bechamel sauce.

It’s a fairly purist position and a bit strident. In my view, it’s the layers and, particularly, the layered noodles, that makes lasagna “lasagna”. Without the layered noodles, it really doesn’t matter what your ingredients are. All you’ve got is Shepard’s Pie without the mashed potatoes.

Which brings me back to wine, and particularly “non-alcoholic wine”. Without the alcohol, all you’ve got is sour grape juice. Without the alcohol, it’s not wine.

It may have been wine at one point before it was de-alcoholized. And it may include a good many of wine’s parts. But once the alcohol is gone, it’s just Shepard’s Pie.

I’m not the only one who feels this way. Reading Chronicle Wine Editor Esther Mobley’s article on her adventures tasting through “non-alcoholic wines” at the San Francisco Wine Competition, I stumbled on this observation:

“I find it harder …to evaluate wines that have no alcohol (wines that arguably aren’t even wines).”

Ms. Mobley didn’t go on to elaborate but only noted that the “non-alcoholic wines” she tasted were uniformly bad. However, she did offer that “wine alternatives”, those drinks made to approximate the taste of wine but created with a variety of ingredients, were often very tasty.

My point is to remind that things or items have an essence that makes them what they are and if they don’t possess that essence, we shouldn’t pretend they are that thing because 1) it’s not true and 2) redefining a thing without its essence is an act of disappearing the thing. The “Chair” is a thing that allows us to sit above the ground. Without the character of fixing our butts above the ground, it is something else. A “Train” is a carrier that moves on tracks of some sort. It may be propelled by electricity or steam, but without a form of track, it is something else. A “Door” opens and closes. If it does not do this, it is probably not a door, but a “wall”.

Wine contains alcohol. This is why it’s called “Welch’s Grape Juice” and not “Welch’s Grape Wine.”

While to some, this distinction may seem pedantic, I bring it up here because “Non-Alcoholic Wine” is having a moment, and I suspect we will hear a great deal more about it this year and even in coming years. I want to suggest there must be a better term to use to describe something that tries to be wine but can’t be wine.

I like the term “Wine Alternative,” assuming it has not yet become so associated with concoctions made with various ingredients, such as teas and herbs, to approximate the taste of wine. This term explicitly identifies the drink as not wine but perhaps wine-adjacent. On the other hand, “Non-Alcoholic Wine” suggests it is a type of wine, which of course it is not.

‘Wine Wannabee” is probably too on the nose, which I’m sure is why it could never take off, with its happily pejorative meaning.

“Whyne”, “Wyne” or “Wiin” are all terms that allude to what these drinks want to be without claiming they are the thing, but they are too dumb and cute to be of any use.

“Mock Wine” is probably the most accurate description of wine with the alcohol removed. However, I suspect the pejorative quality of this term, pointing to the inauthenticity of the thing, won’t excite the producers of wine alternatives.

In the end, there will be no one or thing or agency likely to demand that wine not be stripped of its essence for the sake of commercial expediency. However, maybe some principled folks will simply refuse to call these concoctions “wine”.

For the record, I’ve been using ricotta for my lasagnas, but only because I’ve been a lazy cook. I’m getting around the bechamel. But because in all instances I’m making lasagna, I’ll always be using the noodles.