The Memo on Natural Wine

It had to happen eventually...My friend Tish has the dish on the newest natural wine.

William “Tish” Tisherman, former editor of the Wine Enthusiast, has been a friend for nearly 30 years now. So, when he sends me something important I pay attention. This is important. Make of this what you will. I retain the original copy.

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Hey Tom,

Don't flip out (yet), but on the train to Manhattan on Friday, I think I stumbled onto something pretty ominous for wine people. 

I was sitting next to this guy who clearly had too much going on with paperwork… When he closed his briefcase as we pulled into Grand Central, this piece of paper slipped out. It’s a memo on the letterhead of one of the largest companies in the wine industry. 

Take a look, Tom. It makes sense. Guerilla marketers are targeting Earth Day to launch a line of “natural wine.” Starting in Brooklyn, of course. 

They’re calling it “Earth Juice”(!!!). Heaven help us if they succeed....

Tish

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MEMO

FROM: Marketing

TO: Managing Directors

RE: Project Super-Natural Wine
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Dear Directors

After 8 months of research and development, we are ready to bring Earth Juice to market. 

Launch Date: April 22. Earth Day 2024, aka 4.22.24

Location: every wine store, bar and restaurant in Brooklyn.

The initial Earth Juice line will consist of four wines:

Mère de la Merde  
Packaged in 750ml bottle-shaped cardboard containers, MDLM is a single-flock wine — a field blend (Lemberger, Pinotage, Cabernet Franc) from a vineyard that doubles as a sheep pen. Aromatics are key, with a fine balance of young lamb and mature mutton-y notes. True connoisseurs of natural wine will appreciate how MDLM is enhanced by the flock’s whole-grain and whey diet.

Double Terroir 
This wine, rather ironically, draws on the use of wood chips in the pursuit of terroir.“DT,” as it’s known in-house, showcases the geology of natural winemaking. During maceration, full scoops of vineyard dirt wrapped in cheesecloth are lowered into the tanks like large tea bags. The minerality will have natural wine critics moaning. Packaged in recycled (rinsed out) 750ml bottles, sealed with beeswax and gauze.

Kitchen Cuvée Reserve
Forging a connection between natural wine and everyday wine drinkers, “KC Reserve” incorporates compost harvested from the toniest suburban kitchen-counter bins. Just how is compost used in the production of the wine? That is proprietary, of course, and imaginary; but focus group trials suggest that no one really cares — just referencing compost reliably induces purchasing by vegans and tree huggers. KC’s colorful Tetra-Pak depicts food scraps in states of decay. 

EJ 99.9
Simultaneously entering the canned wine and orange wine arenas, the hook for 99.9 is maximum purity. Most natural wines are “unfiltered.” This 100%my  Pinot Grigio is practically unmoved. After a single gentle pressing, the must, skins, pips and stems are never stirred, while the open-top concrete tanks provide a veritable religious experience for flying insects of all species. After a six-week fermentation, EJ 99.9 is gravity-flowed into cans, which are sealed, crated and stacked without being shaken. As a bonus, two long-compromised wine publications are already promising to give it 99.9 points! 

SUMMARY: Natural wine has never had a breakout brand — and yet it's almost a household name among wine drinkers. By launching on #EarthDay and blanketing Brooklyn, we believe that with proper social media push, Earth Juice will create viral buzz, rapid demand, and quick sell-through. And then, on to Phase 2… a shortage.

Make of it what you will….